The sky in this picture I just took sums up my head at the moment, perfectly: occasional bright patch with massive dark clouds. I’m going to be honest now, like always, and say I’m having a tough time of it lately. My heads a mess and I’m battling with myself constantly. I have been quiet with my blogs as I’m trying not to pester y’all with my doom and gloom but this is the only way I can get it out there that I’m struggling without bullshitting myself. It’s that same old “I’m ok” response when asked and I’m really not ok.
I don’t actually know what’s going on in my head. There’s sadness, nothingness, grumpiness, weirdness, emptiness… Throw in a splash of smile to really confuse the senses.
I’ve made some shit from wood that I’m proud of, I’ve seen my kids plenty, I’ve worked on my van, I’ve busied myself bottle feeding lambs and I’ve got the world at my feet so all I can assume is it’s the darkness from my ptsd trying to creep back in. Trying to trick me into falling into it’s embrace once again. I’ve tried the EMDR techniques again but they don’t seem to be working. Maybe it needs more time? Dunno.
Maybe it’s just normal and I’m reading to much into it. Maybe it’s not. Maybe, maybe it’s my mind saying it’s time to give up time to let my mind win and sleep forever. But then maybe that’s a trick because it wants to win! It won’t win, I promise but it’s a tough battle at the minute.
I’m sitting here watching the sun go down across the fields, I can hear the birds chirping their good nights to each other. The pigs I could hear in the distance have finally stopped shagging and have fallen silent (thank god because they sounded like a horror film) and the pheasants have stopped honking and settled down for the night. It’s like the world around me is shutting down, bit by bit. The sun is about to dip below the horizon and the fire it once cast across the sky is being extinguished, fading away so silently it’s almost audible. A noise made from vision alone.
I feel alone. Surrounded by love, people, noise and nature, but so alone. My mind feels like a movie scene, where I’m perfectly static, frozen like and the world is speeding around me at a hyper speed, blurred beyond recognition.
I hope I beat my mind and it’s stupid fucking games soon…