Lost Books, Buttered Onions & Man-Eating Rats

The last couple of weeks have had me busy on my laptop creating content, playing with logo ideas, redesigning my website, learning stuff and breaking the internet. I've had headaches for days, sat at this one-eyed monster (the laptop ya filthy animals) while I've been tapping away trying to get the manuscript together for my book. The first error I made was choosing the wrong format. I had somehow hit 7x9 inches with my big sausage fingers and never noticed. I'd got about 4 chapters in before I saw my error! Easy to sort, you'd think?

Was its balls. I'd rather 69 a Pitt Bull than have to go through that again. See, I have a Chromebook made by Acer. It was a Chrimbo gift from my daughter Kayleigh and was perfect for my everyday needs but because it's Google, it doesn't like anything from Microsoft, which of course the manuscript for the book is written on Word as that's what Amazon's KDP (Kindle Direct Print) require and it's easiest on one of their templates as it's all laid out for you.

Anyways, it was the wrong size and as I was using the online version of Word, the formatting is limited. What a ballache. I felt sick as when I tried copying and pasting the document over, bit by stupid bit, it wouldn't format properly So I got it over then spent many arduous hours re-fucking-formatting it all. Pretty sure that's not the proper term for it but that's the term I'm sticking with!

I sat back with a huff, a puff and no houses blown down and hit save. "You are not connected to the internet. Cannot save." I felt the blood drain from every inch of my body. I don't know where it went because it was definitely shit that came out of my pants! "In the name of Wayne, Waynetta, Spudulika and wee Frogmella! What do you mean I'm not connected?" My laptop never answered. In my tired rage, I clicked the "X" at the top of the browser to see if it would reconnect and instantly realised what an absolute nincompoop I was. "Why did you do that you utter dickhead" I growled at myself, not really expecting an answer back. I didn't get one either.

Yes, the work was gone, no it didn't save, yes I cried. A lot. "Well that's shit," I said after several hours of wondering if it had been saved somewhere in the world of the interweb, then got up and started making a sausage and onion baguette. I was starving and I had half a french stick left. Sausages in the pan followed by half a sliced onion, gas on low, butter out the fridge, nobby cut off french stick coz who eats that still attached. I buttered the french stick, rolled the sausages over and turned my attention back to the nobby. I never eat that bit if it's still part of the stick. But separately, hell yeah! A big scoop of Clover on it and boom! Instant tasty pre-meal snack! Well, I think I must be getting a bit senile because I actually buttered the half an onion that was leftover. Fortunately, for me anyway, it never made it to my food chute. Imagine that though, taking a great big bite out of half a buttered onion! *heaves silently

A couple of days later, I was parked in a different lay-by but on the same road and still tapping away on the laptop machine and I saw something whizz past the van on the floor. It caught my attention, but only for a brief moment. "Leaf" I assumed to myself. But then I saw it again, going the opposite way. "Weird," says I. Then another big fat hairy leaf shot by. And another one, with a tail. Then 4 more and they were going back and forth too. "Bloody hell! Rats! Millions of the fuckers!" It was like a scene from Ratatouille! I took a quick photo for Facebook and off I went. No way was I hanging around there, I'd never sleep for wondering what that noise was or what's that chewing my foot!

Safely parked in another lay-by, I finally got undressed and climbed into bed. I was reflecting on the content I was putting in the book. It's quite tough reading some of the early blogs again but it did make me realise how far I had come in 16 months. Some of those early days were dark. How I never shot myself I don't know! Well I haven't got a gun so that's probably the main reason, but you know what I mean. I didn't save myself though. I didn't do it on my own. I had help and lots of it, and it mostly came from you maniacs! I had help from loved ones, family, kids, and strangers. Everyone has played a part in saving me. Shane. Calamity Shane. Without your encouragement, I really do wonder where I'd be today! Thank you.

Right, I must go now because my eyes are more moister than squashed kiwi fruit. And I'm pretty sure it's not because of a half buttered onion...

My nan always used to say "The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana." I've definitely got better.

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