Head Banging & Steamless Saunas

It’s 0400hrs, I’m in bed and my forehead is bleeding. During the night I’d shuffled around so much in my sweltering hot box on wheels trying to escape the suffocating heat that my head ended up in the space by the window. For a reason only the Jester of Dreamland knows, I woke up with a start by smashing my head off of the rather sharp edge of the 4x1 piece of wood just two inches above it. The pain was unbelievable! I honestly thought I was being vanjacked and had been clumped over the head with a sledgehammer. I either passed out or went back to sleep for a couple of hours and woke up even hotter as the morning sun rebooted the heat storage system that I had inadvertently created when I redid my van. It was so hot in here that my actual soul was melting and was gracefully sliding out of every one of my orifices.

Later in the day I got a call to help a mate at his house. I was local so I popped round and relished the coolness of his humble abode. The task was to move a wardrobe from one room to another. Simple, yes? You’d think so anyway. I decided to take the doors off to lighten the load and as I carried one from one room to the other, I passed under the loft hatch. This loft hatch had one of those catches that when the hatch is pushed up it releases and the hatch drops down. The door I was carrying nudged the hatch. Click! “Whassat?” Fucking wallop! Again! On the same damn lump and wound from this morning! What are the odds, eh?

Last week I broke my van. Again. Well I didn’t break it, a ginormous crater in the road did. So whilst I was waiting for that to be fixed by my ever calm and patient mechanic, I stayed on a wicked little farm campsite in Gamlingay. The one where the bacon is from there and the eggs are from over there. So I spent 3 nights sat in a field with no shade at all, except that created by my van. I sat in this shade and worked away on some wood I’d acquired and made some chopping boards and coat hooks to sell. I was hot, so so hot. I took my t shirt off as I was in the shade and cracked on. Although I wasn’t in the shade anymore and as I was already melting like a solero ice cream in a furnace I didn’t notice that the sun had cracked its volume right up past 11 and on to “let’s destroy this bitch”. And I got destroyed. In just one hour my pasty like skin on my back was fried and rendered up like quality bacon fat. I’m sure some of it melted off and joined my soul...

Last night was a particularly uncomfortable night in my storage heater powered steamless mobile sauna with ridiculously sharp edged wooden decor. The most itchy tingling painful back, throbbing bloodied head and suffocating relentless heat. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve spent the last 6 months wishing for sunshine but now I just want it to fuck off for a few days.

Anyway, here’s a fun fact: There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky!