Sex Education & Getting It Wrong

When I was at secondary school, I guess it was the first or second year (I don’t know what years they are in new money) it was that time of the day for our biology lesson. “I wonder what experiments we’ll do today?” I pondered. I probably didn’t ponder that at all. I more than likely thought “I hope we’re gonna burst some cows eyeballs again”

Anyway, back then, to try and stop all the lads pissing about in class, we were sat boy girl boy girl and so on. I was sat next to a rather cute girl who’s name I shall withhold to save embarrassment as I had a mahoosif crush on this girl. She hated me though. Couldn’t fucking stand me! Once when I asked her out she said “If I could just have your eyes in a glass that’d be pukka!"

Now I know I have nice eyes but come on I digress. One of the other lads suddenly shouts “Yes! We’re gonna talk about shagging” and pointed to blackboard, where in massive white chalk letters were the words “SEX EDUCATION”

The girls all started sweating and blushing and the lads? Well we immediately started drawing penis like shapes on our school books… I probably started blushing too as that’s what I do.

The teacher whose name escapes me suddenly launched the blackboard rubber at full force straight at my mate Wellsie. It caught straight in the side of the head with a huge puff of chalk dust. This only served us more ammo to piss ourselves laughing which pissed Miss off even more. “DAVIS” She hollered! Fuuuuuuuck! “Right then smarty pants. You can obviously draw a very terrible likeliness of a human penis, why don’t you show us all one?”
What the fuck? No way! I am not getting my Micky out…
“Show the girl next to you a male sexual organ.”
“Me miss? You want me to show… her?” I pointed to the visibly shaking, profusely sweating incredibly red 13 year old girl sat next to me.
“Yes Davis, are you deaf or does it take longer for you than everyone else for instructions to rattle around your brain before they make sense? Show her a male sexual organ. Now!”
I slowly stood up, not entirely sure which I was more afraid of: Getting my dick out in front of the whole class and waving it in my crush’s face or the punishment that I’d get if I didn’t. I puffed up my chest and started to undo my trouser zip when this searing flash surrounded me and I found myself standing there in a cloud of chalk dust and an instant headache with my flies undone. The others howled with laughter. I wanted to die. “What in the name of Saint Francis do you think you are doing? SIT DOWN after you’ve reassembled your clothing and look on the table.”

There in front of each pair of kids, including me, were two flowers. I looked blankly at the flowers, not even bothered by how pretty they were. “If you’d like to turn to page 37 of your study book you’ll see that one of those flowers has a stamen. The stamen is the male reproductive organ. It consists of a pollen sac (anther) and a long supporting filament. This filament holds the anther in position, making the pollen available for dispersal by wind, insects, or birds.

That is only lesson I remember fully from five years of secondary school. It’s also the only lesson I nearly got my dick out in too. Apart from in the showers after P.E. But we all started to wear our shorts in the showers when we realised it was weird that the geography teacher used to join us…

On that note, did you know that spaghetto, confetto, and graffito are the singular forms of spaghetti, confetti, and graffiti and that in 2014 McDonalds engineered bubblegum flavoured broccoli?

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