6600 Lumens & Wonky Holes

A couple of weeks ago I had a brainwave. Not really a eureka moment, more like a “Yes! That’s a fantastic idea” kinda moment. For reasons unbeknown to me, I decided I needed a floodlight for above the sliding door so I can see outside at night. Seems like a perfectly legitimate reason, yes?

So I set about the hunt for a decent floodlight. 12 volts, LED, bright. Amazon to the rescue! “Aha! That looks perfect” I muttered to myself, as I spied a 12 inch LED light bar. Buy Now was promptly clicked and Amazon Locker selected for the nearest train station for next day delivery. Within mere seconds, Amazon suggested that I needed a wiring harness “complete with relay, switch and fuse.” Good thinking Batman! Click. Ordered. Then I thought I’ll probably need extra wire. It wouldn’t let me have delivery to a locker. Why not? I don’t know. I can only assume that they thought I may be making a bomb so would like to know where it’s going perhaps? No idea. Anyway I bought some wire from B&Q. Delivery collected, I excitedly opened the box and there staring at me in the face was 6 inch letters “SUPER BRIGHT 6600 lumens”. Fuck off, that’s pretty fucking bright I silently screamed. I hopped back on Amazon and read some reviews:

“So bright the stars disappeared when I turned it on”“I used this to floodlight my horse paddock”“So bright it’s like having X-ray vision”

Bollocks. Oh well, too late now. I hate sending stuff back as it makes me feel like a failure. So after checking out the wiring harness, tonight I decided to embark on my mission to trick the world into thinking it was morning at 2am and I proceeded to pull my van apart and fit this bastard.

Well needless to say, I didn’t let y’all down. I proper ballsed it up. I’m now left with 3 wonky holes in the side of my van and a chopped up wiring harness. I can’t get it to point low enough without lighting up the next 17 villages and illuminating the night sky like Batman’s shadow light calling for his aid. I have fitted my leisure batteries in the most ridiculous position and it took me 4 years to wire the lights up as I had to take half my van apart to connect the live wire. And to top it off, I’d really like it fitted to the front of my van instead.

I hate it when I have these wonderful ideas. They never ever work out for me. Anyone know if Gorilla tape is waterproof?

If I had to rate my stress right now, I’d say I’m pretty close to 2007 Britney Spears...

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