I pulled into yesterday’s spot and my heart sank when the bays were all full. I was looking forward to tucking up in the corner, out the way and cooking up the fat sirloin I had gotten out of the fridge earlier. No matter, that’s what happens sometimes, I pondered. I did a 167 point turn and trundled back out. With nowhere in mind I decided to drive around pretending to be without purpose in hope of finding the perfect pitch. Not all wanderers are lost I thought. A left here, a right there another left. I pulled over and whipped out my phone to have a gander on the OS Map app, looking for the blue “P” sign amongst the masses of woodland around me. Finding one, my heart skipped a beat, a fist pumped the air and off I set.
I hung a left down a lane so narrow the centre of the tarmac had 6 man inches of moss growing over it, virgin like and untouched by rubber. As I ventured up the lane I started to encounter lots of thick ice patches, all shattered and refrozen, glistening in the sun like millions of cubic zirconias scattered after a failed HM Samuel robbery.
I slipped and slid along until I reached a burst pond. It had flooded across the road a while previous and a car had tried to Ford it unsuccessfully leaving it half sunk. The water had frozen around it giving an apocalyptic appearance, freezing it in almost in motion.
“Bollocks” I muttered. “That’s a long way back to reverse”. I sat there for about half hour, half laughing at the scene in front of me and half crying at my misfortune that day.
I eventually started the reverse manoeuvre and after about 3 or 400 man miles I spun back into a driveway and headed back the way I came only to be greeted by an HGV coming the other way. To tight for him to back up, I decided I would mount the bank at the wide bit behind me and let him edge by. The bank was steep and as I found out, steep enough to cause my offside driveshaft to shit itself. “Fanfuckingtastic” was my new word of the day!
I limped back to the first spot I looked at with the intention of loitering until a space was made but the whole place was like a ghost town! Bonus!
This morning I limped to my mechanics gaff where he was waiting with a brand new shiny driveshaft and the necessary tools to do the exchange. Several hours later I was on my way again all happy and smiley. I was also smiley for a very different reason but more on those particular smiles another day!
I thought I’d better make sure everything was A OK with the fitting of this expensive piece of steel rod and rubber. I yanked on the steering wheel contraption and the old boy lurched to the right. A massive bang made a little poo fall out and I might’ve wee’d a little too. I looked over my shoulder into the back and holy moly, what a mess! My drawers had all slid out and one of the fronts had broken off too, causing the contents, including eggs, spill onto the floor and roll around a little bit just to ensure the floor was well and truly ruined. Drawer front laying amongst the carnage. I sighed heavily then laughed. Why did I laugh? Dunno really. Why not? No point crying over broken eggs I suppose. Just gotta clear it up and crack on I guess.
The way I see things is that if shit happens, what’s the point in sulking about it, right? No point in getting all wet eyes and moping around. Ain’t gonna do owt, that. Just have a giggle, pick your knickers up and carry on as you were. After all, every now and then a ray of sunshine enlightens your life and you forget all about the bad things.
Omelette and bacon grill anyone?
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