Sunshine & Dumb Arse Keys

Sunshine comes in many forms. Sometimes it's literal in that the giant yellow ball in the sky beams down on you, and other times it's metaphorical, in the sense of friendship, companionship and generosity. The last few days have brought sunshine into my life in pretty much every way possible! My life has most definitely been enlightened!

Over the weekend I stayed at a wonderful place, of which I shall stay secretive. It has born many a fond memory for such a short period of time, and I want to return. So I didn't overstay my welcome this time and begrudgingly sauntered off to new horizons. My next stop was initially a let down, a black top car park next to a busy road. I got set up, and sat down with a coffee. It wasn't long before I noticed many peoples wandering about, some running, some walking, some weirdly doing both. I then searched my location on good ole Google to see what's up and quickly discovered that I had stumbled upon a gem of a small country park! "Blinding!" Says I, "I shall go forth warrior like and march!"I jumped out the van, slid the door shut and clicked the magic key box twice to dead lock it before i quickly realised I was naked. I wasn't naked, I'm lying but I felt like it! I had no jacket on. I was freezing instantly in the -1c temp. But of course, true to Calamity Shane form, even donning a simple jacket would prove difficult...

I clicked the key fob box thing and nothing. I clicked it again with the same result. 160000 clicks later bared the same result as the first. Fuck. There's a reason for "Fuck" and that is Ford had a wonderful designer whom I grant one wish "May their eyeballs be eaten by the maggots of one thousand summer wheelie bins." They decided it would be a good idea to only put one door lock on the entire van. But wait! There's more! They also decided to put a "lifetime" battery in the key fob that charged itself via a magical induction ring around the ignition. Don't go just yet, there's even more! They also decided that the radio receiver for the full central locking system should have its own battery and hide it under a seat. A 3 year life battery at that. When one of these fail, it's impossible to tell which one has. What a bell end.

So there I am, in t shirt and jeans, freezing to death trying to jiggle a well worn key around in a well criminalised door lock. For an hour. Then just like nothing had happened, Clunk! I was in! But alas all was not well still for the dead locking was still dead locking meaning that to gain access to the rear I'd have to do the squeeze of testicular death between the seats every time. A Google search revealed these keys are near on £300. The battery? £120. The charging ring of sorcery? £180... Where does one start? I'll tell you where: Bed. Fucking bed is where I went.

The morning came and I did the usual routine that I have down to only minor calamities now and wondered if the key of doom would work again, and a quick click proved that fairies do exist and the doors duly unlocked! Madness! Utter madness. I’ll just add that now it no longer works once again but at least my gentleman’s vegetables have been saved from certain death as the rear and side doors have been released from dead lock hell.

That night was only saved by the thought of the new people in my life. They’ve brought with them laughs, a helping hand, generosity and of course sunshine. It’s been an absolutely smashing year so far

This is the fourth time I’ve written this blog and I fear it’s lost its pizazz. It’s sparkle. Twice it disappeared into the hell that is the interweb, never to be seen again and the third? Well that was my fault. My secret too

I shall leave you with this thought: A father is neither an anchor to hold us back nor a sail to take us there but a guiding light whose love shows his children the way.

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