It Doesn't Feel OK To Not Be OK

Today started off grand. It was cloudy this morning but when I slid the door open I was pleasantly surprised by how warm it was! The birds were singing, the resident Red Kites were circling above my head looking for their breakfast and my little robin friend was skipping about the ground outside the door. The sun fighting its way through the clouds, appearing as white disc floating in sea of grey.

So why then do I feel so dark right now? I can feel it creeping up on me today like a panther hunting it’s prey. Stealthily hugging the ground as it’s eyes lock onto its target, crawling silently through thick undergrowth moving ever closer to its kill. The darkness is just outside the kill zone, like the panther, just a touch to far away to pounce and make a successful attack.

Everything is going superbly for me at the minute. I have everything to look forward to, the summer is coming, lockdown is slowly lifting so I can stay in a few campsites soon and relax properly instead of worrying who’s going to knock on the door or moan about me being where I am. I have Kerry who is a pillar of strength and makes me laugh non stop, my friends have been outstanding friends and have my back. My kids are all in good health and are succeeding in life. The NC500 is coming up and the support for it is phenomenal!

But why is this darkness back? It’s been gone for a while now. The EMDR therapy is going really well and I’ve learned some techniques for when I feel just like this but this time the darkness is different. It’s like it’s learnt. It feels like a big heavy storm cloud waiting to burst over me. Thunder, lightning just itching to strike. My head is heavy and the weight on my shoulders feels like I’m carrying King Fucking Kong and his entire ancestry on them.

I’m writing this in the hope that it will help lift the darkness, help my brain to recognise that it’s not in its usual happy place. Help my mind to fight and let the light flood in and consume it. I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling like this and I want it to stop. They say it’s ok to not be ok, but it doesn’t feel ok to not be ok. It doesn’t feel ok at all. My smile is upside down. My smile is confused.

I’m going to go for a ride now, and see if that helps to clear the fog. There’s some trails right by me and I’ve had a look on my OS map and they look pretty cool so I’m just going to go for a meander along them.

As always, big love CS

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