We travel through life almost in a dream like state. Not noticing the little things, as they pass us by. I know the last four years for me have been exactly like that. I’ve been wrapped up in this PTSD, letting it take over my life, controlling me like a puppet with it as my master pulling the strings whilst I danced unconsciously to entertain it.
Well not anymore! I’ve recently started therapy using the EMDR technique and with quiet ushering along and a gentle nudge here and there I’ve kept up with the therapy and it’s starting to work! There is light at the end of tunnel and I can see it quite clearly. It’s still out of reach right now but it’s there. The next phase, I have to recall one of my disturbing memories to associate with the eye movement techniques involved with EMDR and it’s not going to be pretty. But I want to do this, I want to beat this fucking awful mental illness. I want to beat it to death. And I will. It’s controlled me for long enough now, and lately I’ve been in a good place and I want to stay there.
Kerry took this photo of me the other day at Weston Super-Mare and she said it looks like I’m being taken to heaven. I personally found that comforting as I always thought I was going straight to hell without passing go or collecting the proverbial 200 smackeroonies. But it got me thinking. If I was to drop dead tomorrow, what have I achieved in my life? Am I happy with what I’ve achieved? Well the answer is a difficult one. I’ve achieved nothing great, I’ve not invented a miracle cure nor a marvellous machine. I’ve not risked my life to save another, nor have I been a saint all of my life, most certainly not in my youthful years anyway. But I have done a lot. I’ve been around the block a few times for sure. There will never be a plaque on a great statue about me but I’m happy with my achievements. Really happy.
The way I see it is, every single thing I’ve done in the past, right up to this very second, has led me to this point in my life right now. And I’m beyond happy! All of my achievements and all of my failings are part of my story, my saga if you will. They’ve moulded me into who I am today, and I’m pretty chuffed with that person.
What I’m trying to say is that no matter how small you feel or much of a failure you think you are, there is always some good to come of it. It’s all about thinking positive and using those bad bits to improve yourself, make yourself a better person. Would I change anything about my past? Not a single thing! Well actually maybe the snoring. I’d definitely change that. I snore so bad sometimes it’s enough to give an Aspirin a fucking headache! But I wouldn’t change anything else for if I did, I fear it would lead me onto a different path and I wouldn’t be where I am right now. And I’m in a proverbial heaven right now! So all of my failings and achievements (even though you’d need a macro lens to see the achievements) are who I am today. And I really like this person. He’s turned out kind, funny, forgiving, humble and loving. And he loves blowing smoke up his own arse too, evidently...
I can’t wait to see what the next chapter of my life has install for me! I used to say to anyone that would listen “If I was to write an autobiography you’d find it in the bookshop in the ‘Tragic Life Stories’ section” but not anymore. It’d be in the ‘Adventures and Sagas’ section!
Me: I’m actually loving life right now!
Life: LOL! One sec...
No matter, I’ll put it in the box marked life’s journeys.