The weekend was a busy one. I had my boys and stayed at my daughters with them as its boring for them with campsites closed. It was the eldest boys 7th birthday too We built lego and a robot kit, smashed up a piñata, ate Chinese and played with the VR on the PlayStation machine thing until I felt sick.
After I'd dropped them off at home, I had a few things to do so I set off to tend to them. One of the jobs was getting the last few bits out of the storage container so I could hand the keys back.I'm in the darkest corner of said container, rummaging around in a box hoping I'd find ten grand just laying there all sexy like, winking at me and saying "take me, I'm yours!" but all I found was dust and cobwebs. It's never me...My belly gurgles and bubbles. I pause for a moment whilst I disect the feelings rumbling around my midriff. "hmmm well that's over the side so it's not pancreas problems. It's moving too fast to be a fart. Or is it a fart? Yeah I think it's a fart." It wasn't a fart at all. It was last nights Chinese food steaming towards the exit hole faster than a man's self esteem at a zumba class!It's cool beans, I calmly walk to my van mere feet away. I have time to draw the curtains this time and plonk myself on the seat. Ah the joys of Van Life. I reach over for my vape and start chuffing away, reminiscing over the times I've enjoyed a good old fashioned cigarette whilst releasing the bowels of hell.
Without warning, the smoke alarm goes into full panic mode BEEP BEEP BEEP FIRE FIRE FIRE BEEP BEEP BEEP!It made me jump so much I lost half a pound straight down the pan! Shit shit. I'm sat there on the throne not being able to move whilst my talking smoke alarm tries to tell anyone within 2 planets distance that my van is on fire! I'm huffing and puffing at it, trying to blow the vape away from it like Big Daddy on a cross country run! Starting to go dizzy, I stop the futile attempt when a knock on the window (again! Please people stop interrupting my most delicate moments!) makes another half pound of Singapore noodles and chicken nuts fall out.
I freeze and cock an ear trying to hear over the relentless screaming of the possessed alarm. FIRE FIRE FIRE!
"hello? Everything OK in there? Your smoke alarm is going off."
Yeah I know I thought. It's all I'll be able to hear for next 3 days. "yeah mate sound! I'll switch it off in a sec"
"do you need a hand or the fire brigade or something?"
No, I just want you to piss off. "erm I'm good mate thanks. I just can't reach it right now"
"have you fallen? Are you OK?"
Mate just go away... "I'm dropping the kids off at the pool." Please go...
"what are you on about?"
"mate, I'm having a shit. I can't reach the alarm right now OK? Now pleeeeaaase..."
After the alarm eventually silenced itself to a 30 second repetitive beep and I'd finished emptying the honey wagon, I peer out the window. Ah crap. There's loads of people. Why are they all here? Why are they all staring at my van?
I'm just going to stay in here forever...