Wet Seats & Frothy Teeth

Last night was an unusually chilly night. Cold enough to freeze Matt Hancocks already ice cold, black heart. The cheap Chinese diesel heater was working harder than a cat trying to bury a turd on a marble floor. I was chilled to the core. I kept peering out the window, expecting to see an icy world closely resembling the kids film Frozen, but it was just wet. Maybe snow was on the way?

Yep, that'll be it. Snow.I clamber into bed after donning my favourite Marvel Hero Pj's (Hulk ones as it happens) I crawled between the sheets with only a Wonder Woman pop art wooden painting for company. I drifted off shivering whilst gazing into her eyes, dreaming of a close quarter battle with her.

Morning comes and I reach for the heater remote (which I found in the fridge the previous night ) and crank it up. It's still so cold! A quick spy out of the curtains reveals a bleak miserable and very monsoon like morning.Still revelling in last nights steamy encounter with Wonder Woman and the unexpected visit from Harley Quinn, I jump out of bed and proceed to brush my teeth. Using my new Pro White toothpaste I splash a bottle of spring water over the brush and start to heave like a 15 year old lad after downing 4 WKD's, 2 blowbacks and half a tug on a coke can bong to impress his bird. Every frigging time... Why can't I be normal? Without warning my mouth starts frothing like a rabid dog! I spit, rinse, brush some more, heave more and more frothing! Frothing like you've never seen! It's pouring out! I can't breath, it's fizzing out my nose! Pretty sure some came out of my eyes too, hard to tell as they were watering from the heaving.I glance at the bottle and chuckle to myself. SPARKLING spring water. What a donkey. Who knew how much carnage a bottle of sparkling water could do!

Still shivering, I avoid my usual naked prance around the van and helicopter trick that I like to do to impress any onlookers and dress quickly. A fleeting glance at the battery monitor tells me I need to start the engine to get a bit of charge as the lack of sunlight provides little sorcery for the solar panels. I avoid the drama of getting my gentlemans fun bag caught again and just lean through between the seats. I wildly misjudge the distance to the seat and slide down ever so ungracefully, like a drunk Bridget Jones in weird pole dance dream (never had that one ) and my face plants deep into the drivers seat. Suffocating, I struggle for breath, trying desperately not to breath in 243000 miles of farts and ball bag dust and water. Wait! Water? Why am I drowning? Freaking out I muster the inner core strength of a ballerina and flip myself upright. Wiping my face full of farticles in disgust, heaving, I spot the damned window open. Fully open. Well that'll explain the ice cold blast that froze me all night...

General non related favourite aphorism of mine: If a monkey throws shit at you, it's best to wipe it off and walk away. If you throw the shit back, shit ends up flying everywhere and it never ends well.

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