Roasted Beard & Rude Smoke Alarms

The Calamity Shane Saga continues with my next top tip, which involves fire, many singed hairs and a talking smoke detector.


So I wake up after a calamity free and pretty event less night of blissful sleep. I try to stretch but my stupid 6 foot long body doesn't really let me in this 5' 11" long bed, so it was a futile effort thwarted by the sides of the van creaking in protest.
Mmm coffee is needed immediately. Hob is lit first time thanks to my shiny new regulator, Volvic mineral water is poured into my aging camp fire blackened steel kettle and set down to one side.Hmm mouth feels too gammy for coffee, teeth routine is needed.Hob is still lit, kettle not over the flame.
Quick splash of said mineral water over the ole boat race, teeth brushed, many gags and heaves were had (yes I'm one of those irritating bastards that can't brush his teeth without a vomit induced fit) and when putting the tooth brush and paste away my hand nudges my Lynx Africa deodorant can and I automatically pull it out.
Now it should be said that this isn't my normal routine, for some reason only known to Mr Fate, I did it all arse about face today.
Aaah that was super cold under the ole pits of doom this morning!

BOOOOOOOMMMM WOOOOSSSHHHHH BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP "FIRE FIRE FIRE" followed by "WARNING CARBON MONOXIDE WARNING CARBON MONOXIDE" More gags and wretches as the smell of singed hair enters my panicking lungs.
"what in the name of all things unholy happened there!" Alarm is silenced, windows opened face checked. Remember that lit hob? Apparently I forgot from my childhood antics that Lynx Africa (other brands are available for spontaneous human combustion efforts) and a NAKED FLAME aren't the best of friends...
So, today's top tip, don't try and preen yourself whilst making a brew in a confined space... Once again, you have been warned...

Ps coffee was delicious in the end and it was only my armpit hairs that got singed. Didn't like them anyway

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