Tinned Pineapple, Mistakes & Calamity's Cock

First, it was light orange with a hint of bright tangerine, tinned pineapple chunk yellow and the odd streak of fluffy Barbie doll pink. After a few minutes, the fluffy pink was replaced with a deep red and the tangerine and pineapple fruit salad turned into a burning fire orange, flames almost licking the sky, clouds burning up as the colours raced across the horizon. Bright, dark, deep, loud. The sky ablaze with colours that no human could ever replicate. So beautiful, so surreal. Almost alive. Colours so beautiful you could hear them.

As fast as it came, it was gone. Extinguished by the darkness. Snubbed out by the night sky as it was its turn to shine. Stars popped out like magic, one by one they were just there. Appearing too fast to count, to make sense of. Some tiny sparkling specs in the sky are complete star clusters holding millions of other stars in themselves, 100's of light years away and appearing as a single entity in the night sky as I look up, head slung back, tears rolling down my cheek. Stupid emotions...

Sunsets make me feel small. Actually, anything to do with looking up at the sky makes me feel small. My mind wanders off to faraway places as I try to make sense of the world around me. Sometimes these thoughts disturb me, other times they comfort me. I struggle to keep control when these thoughts are disturbing. I don't mean disturbing like I'm going to hide in the woods and make love to an unsuspecting badger kind of disturbing, I mean like my mind races off and I start to think about all of the mistakes I have made in the past, all the bad shit that's happened to me too. Then I start to imagine what the outcome would be like had I said something different in that argument or not listened to my peer's "fantastic ideas" or followed my heart instead of my head.

I've made many mistakes in the course of my 47 years on this planet, one as late as this year. I kick myself every day for making that one and these stupid pretty sunsets don't let me forget it either. Reminders of what a fool I can be everywhere, literally everywhere, but I take the punishment. That's what it is, a punishment. For being a dickhead.

Anyway, I digress. I think I've let you into a part of my mind there, that was quite private but it's written now so it's staying. It came out for a reason I guess...

*wipes eyes

As I was saying, sometimes the sky brings me down, other times it brings me up. There are sayings like "It's written in the stars" and shit like that. I've looked hard for many years but I've not found my message yet. Except for that time perhaps when I managed to join up some stars, like a dot-to-dot puzzle and made a willy. Gentleman's vegetables and everything. It was magnificent too, and once I'd seen it, I couldn't unsee it. Made me chuckle for weeks. Over the years I have lost track of the majestic manhood that I created, which is a shame as it could have ended up being a famous constellation like Orion or Aquilla. Maybe they'd have called it "Calamity's Cock". Imagine the conversations that could have been had about how it got named in years to come!

The Perseid meteor shower was special. I saw many shooting stars over the course of a week but the romance in it all was hard to find because I know they are just specs of debris, the size of a grain of sand, racing through earth's atmosphere at 120,000 mph and burning up as the air around them is compressed to such a degree that it explodes. That and the fact that I felt like a bit of a plonker stood there in the middle of a field at 0100 hrs cooing and aahing on my jack jones...

I enjoyed the rain today. I didn't get naked though nor did I dance in it, like I promised myself I would. I just sat under my awning watching and listening, coffee in my hand, my mind somewhere else, daydreaming. Mainly daydreaming about food to be honest. It was refreshing though. The air was starting to be stale. The dust never seemed to move except for into my lungs. And my nose, which I don't mind because it produces the most excellent bogeys!

So today's episode of Calamity Shane isn't really about any calamities. I reckon you've guessed that already though. It's more of a waffle or a blah blah blah, to be honest. But I had the urge to write, I just didn't know what about. So I let my mind free and this is what fell out. So, sorry about that. Right, I've bored y'all enough now and I've got the worst pins and needles in my legs I've ever had! Honestly, this toilet seat is not really an ideal place to write but I needed a poo.

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Comments

Angela
10 months ago

Hilarious. Hope you have dance in the rain naked, nothing better. Writing whilst on the loo having a poo, priceless x