Cliffs, Seagulls & A Naked Window Show

I've always been honest and open with my writing and blogging here, but right now I'm finding life very difficult so I have chosen not to talk about it for a while. But, in doing so, I have neglected what makes me, well, me. I am also aware that some of my posts have become dark and depressing and not very nice for you guys to read which is another reason I had stepped back a bit.

See, as I said in a previous post (you may remember but it seems so long ago) I'm one of those "I'm all right" types of guys when probed about my well being. Preferring instead to smile, and hold it all in because in my head, no one really gives a shit. But I have learned lately that some people do give a shit. Some people care so much that they go to extraordinary lengths to show it.

Lots of calamities have occurred lately but I just couldn't laugh at them such is where I was in my head. Like a couple of weeks ago for instance when I walked to the shop with odd boots on. I didn't laugh, I just shrugged and thought "bought right." I didn't take a photo. I didn't tell anyone. That's not me, is it? Normally I would have taken photos and told the world!

Anyway, as I mentioned, I'm having a tough time. I thought I'd go for a drive and see where I ended up and I ended up in Cromer in a car park on the clifftop. Stunning views up and down the coastline and out to sea. I spent a couple of hours deep in thought, went for a walk along the beach, the waves crashing at the stones. Seagulls devouring somebody's discarded chips, squawking and making a violent racket as they did so.

I carried on up the beach determined to find a chippy, which I did and promptly ordered battered sausage too. Food in hand I made my way back to the van when, as if the world was about to end, the skies went black and huge raindrops poured from the sky. I felt like Barry B. Benson from Bee Movie when he was trying to fly in the storm. I was soaked through to the skin in a nanosecond. My jeans clung to my legs, my waterproof rain jacket, obviously not waterproof anymore, acted like a bin bag, holding all the water inside. I had to undo my zip for I feared I may drown! The rain was ice cold too, another degree colder and I'm sure they would be balls of ice falling from the sky!

I tried to eat my grub but it was impossible. As soon as I opened the box it filled up with rain. The seagulls didn't give two fucks though and were trying to relieve me of my food straight from my hand. So there I am, in a massive storm, wind howling, rain pouring, seagulls stealing, inadequately dressed on a seafront in the arsehole of nowhere. I sat on the sand and burst into tears. I let it aaaalllllll out. I cried like when I was 9 years old and I found out the shoes my mum had bought me and had been wearing for 2 weeks were in fact girls shoes. They were very pretty though.

I sat and cried uncontrollably for a few minutes until I noticed the sea had started lapping at my feet. Still clutching my soggy box of food, I stood up and considered having a piss in my jeans. I mean I was soaked through anyway! I decided I probably shouldn't do that and carried on my quest to return to my van.

As I climbed the switchback likened slope back up the cliff, something caught my eye on the floor. Well bugger me with a Rolph Harris "can you guess what it is yet" todger if it wasn't my own van keys laying there on the floor! What are the odds of that? I mean come on, they must have fallen out hours ago! And they were still there! Winner winner chicken friggin' dinner!

Back at the van, I dried off, bundled my wet clothes into a bin liner wondering what the hell was I going to do with those, and sat naked in front of the heater pipe. Of course, the lights were on and the blinds open as I soon realised when a shocked elderly lady decided to have a nose in my van window on her way past! Bet she doesn't do that again! I was a little sad though as I hadn't warmed up enough to show her my helicopter trick!

Once I'd redressed in clean dry clothes I set off again to find somewhere to park as the car parks in Cromer are strictly no overnight parking. I ended up in a lay-by yet again which was surreal as I'd gone off with the intention of getting away from lay-by surfing! Oh well, see what happens tomorrow...

So upon reflection, as I sit here on the A11 at Thetford with the rain still pounding down and truckers pissing up their wheel arches, I seemed to have set off to recharge my soul and achieved only in creating some content for this blog! To some extent, I think that's a win...

Irrelevant fact: One of the earliest known vacuum cleaners was so large that it had to be hauled from house to house via a horse-drawn carriage. Its giant hoses were popped through the windows of customers, and a gas-powered motor generated the suction that pulled the dirt and debris into a glass container where onlookers could gawk at the volume of filth coming from their neighbour's homes.

I wonder if they cleaned up after the horses as they travelled...

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