Sometimes you bump into a fellow human and they surprise you. It’s usually one of two ways. The first is “Whoah! Step back out of my personal space dude!” And the other is “I want you to be in my life forever, by friend or by holy matrimony.” I’ve had my fair share of wives and wedding cake, having been married 3 times. I’ve decided after the last marriage, that I don’t like wedding cake anymore.
The thought of wedding cake is painful. Hard to swallow if you like. Like swallowing a whole walnut with the shell on. We go through our relationships with the thought that it’ll last forever. This is the one. This is the person that will make me happy until I die. (Or they kill you anyway). I’ve enough experience now to know that you’ll just end up with your heart broken into many pieces. Maybe it’s your fault, maybe it’s theirs. Maybe you’ll just take the blame and take that left hook under the chin just to make life easy to get out of the ring.
But for me, and this is my personal heartfelt feelings here, I’ve had my heart broken too many times and I didn’t know if even Humpty Dumpty’s repair team can fix it. And let’s be honest here, that fucker has fallen off the wall so many times he must be more glue than erm, whatever he’s made of. Egg shell? What even is he? A crunchy potato?Anyway, I digress. Each of my marriages has ended in heartache one way or another. The first, it was expected as soon as I heard the clap of thunder roll over the registry office... 6 months of verbal and physical abuse later saw me “nip” to the shops. In the south of France. And I never saw her again. Except in the occasional nightmare... I’m not going to go into the others in detail but they both obviously ended in tears too.
So yeah, no thank you to wedding cake. I don’t even go to weddings anymore because the cake is always rubbish.
So what is the point of this blog, I hear myself asking too. Where am I going with this. Well to be honest, I have no idea. I guess I’m just trying to give y’all a bit of background into how come I ended up living in a motorised tin can. So let’s see. Each time one of my marriages reached the inevitable breakdown, I’ve started again from the bottom, only to have it all snatched away from me at the top. So this time vanlife it was. The plan to roam around like a lost soul, soaking up the wonders that Mother Nature has to offer seemed so very attractive. And it is! I got that right at least!
Whilst I sat here only a few weeks ago, I wrote a little post on a forum that had a few anecdotes and funny lines about my day and posted it. I chuckled whilst writing it because yeah, I laugh at myself. Whatchoo gonna do abart it? Anyways, it got so much attention, so many reactions, that I was left stunned! So stunned I wrote another. Same response! Then another hit the shelf. Same again! I was receiving 10, 20 messages a day from people, men, women, both at the same time, telling me how much they enjoyed my saga and to please keep going! Then bam! I felt this weird feeling in my chest. Like the reverse of a heart attack I guess. The feeling of a broken heart being mended! It truly was the most awesome feeling in the world! I felt insane! I speak regularly to some of you, on a daily basis. Some of you hold a special place in my heart. I was on the brink of starting a mission to self destruct. I was a wreck. I was parked on the roadside on New years eve on my own and boy have I never felt so alone. The world was celebrating around me and I was just sat there as glum as a fat kid outside a burned down cake shop. But y’all brought me back to reality and continue to keep me in check to this day!
So I say, come on life! Do your worst! We’ve got this together! And maybe one day, I’ll try wedding cake again... Or at least a homemade rice crispy cake with a chocolate egg on the top...
I once bought a Dyson Ball Cleaner. I can tell you that is a very misleading product name. I can also tell you that after 5 hours in A&E I made a full recovery. .