It's Like I'm A Sausage Roll And I'm The Meat

It was -4°c on top of this rather exposed sandy car park last night. The heat supplied by my rather cheap but so far excellent Chinese diesel heater was entering my little Palace of Single Middle Aged Nice Blue Eyes Great Arse Van Life with the force of a fire tornado and the fury of several scorned women combined.

I was rolled up in my 15 tog duvet like a sausage roll and I was the meat. I'd had a jovial evening, revelling in the heart warming comments of the days calamity free post and felt at last one with myself! I'd had many private messages from well wishers, and not one weird dick pic was received by me! None were sent either for that matter! I don't do that.

Anyway, I digress. So there's the heating on furnace like, me resembling the meat in a sausage roll and off I drift to dreamland where I'm the latest best selling author.

Many snores were had, sometimes making that weird one that makes yourself jump. I know it's me because I only have a picture of wonder woman for company. And she definitely doesn't snore. Or fart and blame it on me.

At around 3am I wake up as dehydrated as a 6am, 1995 walk of shame from an all night rave named Exodus (circa Luton) tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth, bottom lip rolled inwards and as awkwardly stuck as my tongue. Half a Prawn Cocktail Pringle wedged under my eyelid.

Still rolled up in a now overcooked pastry casing I fought for several minutes to escape the conundrum I found myself in.

My face as taught as Jessica Alba's bum in yoga pants, and skin resembling the surface of 40 grit sandpaper, I grab my tube of high intensity prescription moisturiser (another side problem of pancreatitis is dehydrated skin. Fantastic, thank you very much for that) and smear it on my boat race.

But wait. Its minty. Why is my cream minty? Why is this minty cream burning? Why is this minty, burny cream not rubbing in?

Oh for love of god, please tell me I haven't just smeared toothpaste all over my Gollum like face at bloody 3am...

Of course I have. Wouldn't I have? After my debacle the other day when I set fire to my armpits, I moved my toothpaste away from my deodorant so it wouldn't happen again. Yes, I do stupids things more than once... And I put it in the same place as my tube of Pro Topic. Because that's a really good idea...

I ended up having to use a bottle of sparkling mineral water to wash it off as my other water was unreachable, at the back of the van.

So off I go, back to bed, hot, sweaty, taught and rather minty with a sparklingly clean face...

And still never turned the heater off...

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