The Vanlife Blog

Over 18's Only!

You may laugh, you may cry. You may do both. You will probably wee a little too.

Fixing Shit & Beautiful Views

Yesterday I had a chance to put right some calamities I’ve had over the last couple of months. First on the list was my high level brake light. I never knew it was out until a nice police officer pulled me over to tell me. He made a note and said should it not be fixed the next I get tugged I’ll be arrested and publicly flogged. Not sure what I got excited about more, the free tug or the whipping in front of a crowd. In handcuffs...

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Chinese Bikes & No Skin Left

Apart from slips, trips and minor falls, this week has been pretty much calamity free. So I’d like to take y’all on a journey back to around 1988. Christmas morning, 1988 to be precise. As a stroppy teenager, Christmas morning meant little to me. Well it did but I’d never had admitted that at the time. My mum was hollering from downstairs, in that high pitched scream that I imagine would not be to dissimilar to the noise a camel would make when castrated with two bricks “IIIITTTTSSSS CHRIIIISSSTMAAAASSSSS!!!”

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Free To A Good Home & Speed Dating Extreme

A couple of weeks ago I placed an advert on a Facebook forum for single people that enjoyed the great outdoors. The advert ran something like this:Free to a good home: A mildly irritating 45 1/2 year old male human. Takes lots of bad selfies and thinks he’s the bees knees. Laughs at his own jokes more than you will. Can cook and look after himself, although has been known to wear his pants two days in a row. Nice smile, good heart, needs a haircut. Has a few issues with body breakdowns, but bills are covered. Comes complete with his own motorised cage.

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Driveshafts & Drawer Fronts

I pulled into yesterday’s spot and my heart sank when the bays were all full. I was looking forward to tucking up in the corner, out the way and cooking up the fat sirloin I had gotten out of the fridge earlier. No matter, that’s what happens sometimes, I pondered. I did a 167 point turn and trundled back out. With nowhere in mind I decided to drive around pretending to be without purpose in hope of finding the perfect pitch. Not all wanderers are lost I thought. A left here, a right there another left. I pulled over and whipped out my phone to have a gander on the OS Map app, looking for the blue “P” sign amongst the masses of woodland around me. Finding one, my heart skipped a beat, a fist pumped the air and off I set.

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Sunshine & Dumb Arse Keys

Sunshine comes in many forms. Sometimes it's literal in that the giant yellow ball in the sky beams down on you, and other times it's metaphorical, in the sense of friendship, companionship and generosity. The last few days have brought sunshine into my life in pretty much every way possible! My life has most definitely been enlightened!

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Surprise Food & The Gallows

I pulled up at last nights new spot feeling refreshed and ready for the world! The view was awesome, the sun was dropping behind the skyline. I sat patiently waiting for the sky to light itself on fire, to spontaneously combust and warm the frozen fields with its seducing glow. But it never came.

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Moving On & New Places

Yesterday brought a close to my favourite spot. An end to the glorious views, peaceful evenings and lazy Sunday mornings. At first I was upset, a little taken aback. Like when you give a kid a lolly but lick it all over first. We’ve all done that, so don’t say you haven’t. Anyway, a lame excuse was given about neighbours complaining, even though the nearest house was a mile away so I pulled up my trousers, puffed up the ole chest and off I went.

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Thank You

The last couple of days have been a weird couple of days for me. More highs and lows than a Peruvian crack den.

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Van Floods & Sunsets

This morning was a wet one. It didn’t start out that way initially, but it wasn’t long before I noticed that I was splashing around in a puddle inside the van. This could only be one of two things. A hole in the roof or I’ve missed the toilet. Not wanting to do the taste or sniff test, I set about soaking it up with kitchen roll. It wasn’t yellow so that was a relief.

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The Bird Poo That Broke Me

Yesterday was a day and a half. I woke up with my PTSD rearing it’s ugly head again. I’d managed to get it under control over the last couple of years, learning what the triggers were and either avoiding them or minimising my exposure to them. The emotional side of it was taken care of by adventure mountain biking, but having sold it last year to help make ends meet, I’ve been making do. I thought I was pretty much fixed, but it seems not. The stresses of last few months have come together like a S.W.A.T team to gun me down when I was most vulnerable.

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Being Broken & Getting Fixed

I heard someone tell a story so amazing over the weekend, I thought I’d share it with you. I’ll tell it from the first person point of view. It rang so true for me I cried like a little bitch.  I’ve obviously put my own twist to it!

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Playing With My Chopper

Last night, I spent the night playing with my chopper. I like to fettle with the tip first before oiling the shaft. I sometimes put a drizzle of oil on top of the head, just to keep it supple.

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Locked Out Of My Own Group & My Fighty Children

Who knew my Friday would be so eventful! I picked my boys up lunchtime and made my way through the pouring rain, concentrating intensely on the road, doing that lean forward and squint technique that appears on your 40th birthday, and tried to block out their constant barrage of waffle and arguments. “BOYS!! If you don’t shut up we’re all going to die and that will be really terrible! I’ve loads of new friends and I haven’t had a chance to piss them off yet. So please. Shut. Up!”

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Full Toilet & Blue Balls. Again

Today I found out just how hard lockdown is affecting full time van lifers. I’m not talking mental health (for a change) or being lonely, I’m just talking about one simple thing that I’ve always taken for granted. Something that no one really thinks about. The humble toilet. The humble toilet sits there in your house, all quiet and unassuming. Sometimes the seat is up when you get there, all open and inviting, almost winking at you saying “come on big boy, show me your junk and try not to dribble on my lip!”

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Broken Hearts & Mended Souls

Sometimes you bump into a fellow human and they surprise you. It’s usually one of two ways. The first is “Whoah! Step back out of my personal space dude!” And the other is “I want you to be in my life forever, by friend or by holy matrimony.” I’ve had my fair share of wives and wedding cake, having been married 3 times. I’ve decided after the last marriage, that I don’t like wedding cake anymore.

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Poo With A View & They’re Not Baby Wipes

Yesterday saw me blog about breaking away from the norm and becoming a nonconformist. Today, I still stand by that blog, but in hindsight perhaps with a little less cheese. Y’all know about what happens when I consume too much of a good thing. Well too much of anything really. My pancreas struggles to deal with the fats and often they exit faster than they were consumed. Usually I know the signs and usually the first sign is pain. I can prepare myself for the debacle that’s going to follow very soon after. But not today. Today was going to be different. Of course, why not! If my pancreas had a voice it’d say “I’m gonna fuck this guy up today. He’s had it too easy the last week or so. I’m gonna pounce with the surprise of a 40th birthday stripper that’s really your best mates Gran!”

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Cheese, No Knife & Uncle Timothy

As we’re growing up, ascending from being a gobby yoot to a mildly gobby adult, we learn about life and how to live it. The right way to do things and the way that will get you a spanking. But who makes these rules and why should we conform?

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Farts & Table Service

Before vanlife I had a different life. Was it normal? Far from it. Was it just as filled with calamities? You bet your arse it was! So as today lacked anything eventful, I shall reflect upon a time when I genuinely wanted to disappear in a puff of wispy sorcerers smoke.

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Poo Face & Toblerone

I was laying there in bed last night, Dr Balls balm out of reach, listening to the rain pounding down on top of my solar panels. The gentle hum of my cheap Chinese diesel heater signifying the fact that its going to suck every millilitre of moisture from my body, the frigging annoying click from its fuel pump click clicking away under the bed, somehow all entwined in a vain attempt at unified chorus whilst joining in with the wind. Click, click, drip, drip huuuummmmm, wobble wobble (repeat until you go fucking nuts).

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Murdering Myself In The Face

Boredom is a killer. Burying your face deep into social media, flicking your thumb up the screen faster than your landlord counting the rent money, and not even looking at what you're scrolling past, your mind on a pretty girl or a strapping lad or whatever tickles your fancy does as much to kill boredom as ketchup does for a roast dinner.

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Chicken Tits & Ball Balm

Having owned a pub and restaurant in the past and having a large family meant I was always cooking for the masses. One thing I've found about being single is just how hard it is to buy food for one. Sure I can buy pack of 3 or 4 chicken tits but I don't want chicken tits every day for 4 days. I just want it once. And besides, I've normally forgotten to switch the damn fridge on anyway!

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Jump Starting The Elderly Back To Life

In all walks of life there are all sorts of people. Some seem to have this charisma that shines bright and other are as lacklustre as a discarded Victorian table. But having the charisma of a used wooden spoon doesn't mean to say you're a bad person.

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Out Of Reach Smoke Alarms & Busy Car Parks

The weekend was a busy one. I had my boys and stayed at my daughters with them as its boring for them with campsites closed. It was the eldest boys 7th birthday too We built lego and a robot kit, smashed up a piñata, ate Chinese and played with the VR on the PlayStation machine thing until I felt sick.

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Wet Seats & Frothy Teeth

Last night was an unusually chilly night. Cold enough to freeze Matt Hancocks already ice cold, black heart. The cheap Chinese diesel heater was working harder than a cat trying to bury a turd on a marble floor. I was chilled to the core. I kept peering out the window, expecting to see an icy world closely resembling the kids film Frozen, but it was just wet. Maybe snow was on the way?

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Tiny Spaces & Missing Stuff

We've all been a victim of the Borrowers. Those tiny little people that take your stuff from right under your nose for their own demonic use, and only return it after you've been looking for it for many minutes!Picture the scene: strip off, turn shower on. Lean in to check water temp and notice watch is still on your wrist. "ooooooh that was close! My favourite watch too!" you slip it off and put it on the back of the toilet.

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It's Like I'm A Sausage Roll And I'm The Meat

It was -4°c on top of this rather exposed sandy car park last night. The heat supplied by my rather cheap but so far excellent Chinese diesel heater was entering my little Palace of Single Middle Aged Nice Blue Eyes Great Arse Van Life with the force of a fire tornado and the fury of several scorned women combined.

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Contemplation & Spinning Wheels

It seems today the calamities are otherwise unavailable. Perhaps off pestering someone else, or just lurking around the corner waiting to pounce like a freshly divorced cougar at the bar after 27 shots of Sambuca and 9 months of lock down.

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Bump In The Night & Mouldy Shopping

Last night was spent at my favourite spot, and was pretty event less, save for a car coming into the carpark and leaving after a precise 34 minutes! Now take off the parking, fumbling and idle chitchat, unzipping and rezipping, I'd hazard a guess at around 21 minutes.

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Life Is Better With Friends

Today's little snippet of my glorious life is more of a reflection on the last few weeks. Its highs and lows, so to speak. But do read on, it's sure to humble you and brighten your day!

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Flooded Bathrooms & Tiny Jeans

So today was going rather well. I didn't squash my gentleman's sausage between the toilet seat and the base like I did last night. (I don't recommend you do that, if you have a sausage of the gentlemans variety or any other dangley bits for that matter. It makes your eyes water somewhat).

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